23 Comments
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Isabelle's avatar

i love the story that you told here. not only do i resonate with it on so many levels, but it really shows the malleability of something that the world tries to tell us is rigid and unchanging. i honestly respect so much your effort and emotional maturity to be able to change what it means to you and wrestle with the idea until you found how it can fit into your life (most people don't do this. most people just abandon it.) I have so many more thoughts but I just wanted to tell you how much I loved this piece :)

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allyson.'s avatar

this comment made my day. i'm a bit too raw to fully formulate an intentional response but please know that i categorize getting to know you as one of the more recent joys in my life.

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wenyi xue's avatar

i never get sick of going through your pieces and collecting lines i cant wait for you to be published so i can keep a collection of annotated books by you.

"its roses still bloom inside of me. They just have less thorns." and "It’s mostly the takeoff that unsteadies me, which is ironic, given how close it brings me to Heaven, a place I once sought more than anything." and "I am my own worst enemy when it comes to performance." and "at thirteen, we barely knew enough to condemn anyone." and "asking why women couldn’t preach if Mary could carry God inside her" and "God became synonymous with the universe" and "Someone with a nose ring has made it to heaven before you"

and then also the small pieces of metaphor/imagery like "London's September skin" and "the curse was delicious" just you have such a *voice* i always feel so captivated by your writing

and the ending!!! "There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re thirteen. I’d have given anything to hear that back then. It would’ve been Heaven to me." i started tearing up.

I've only recently started to also question my faith and beliefs (from a wildly different background - my family has always been very atheist) so it's very interesting to hear about the other side. i wish i could say something that would make everything make sense (for both you and me) but i think the most i can say is im glad we at least have the room to figure it out. "it's a daily process" like you said.

+ i love how you're always so open and vulnerable in your writing. in the least (or maybe most?) parasocial way, you are one of my favorites on this platform

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allyson.'s avatar

this comment is genuinely one of the best i've ever received in my entire life. this means the world to me. thank you for reading so intentionally every single time you interact with my work i am so sorry that you teared up, but i'm glad it resonated if you needed to hear it. honestly, i don't mind if it is in the most parasocial way ever but either way you're one of my favorites ever as well. love you so much. <3

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lindsey peters berg's avatar

this is beautiful--I relate to so much of it. I have also looked back on my childhood confession days and felt tenderness for the little girl who collected "sins" (i even had a 'sin journal' where I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget them lol...it's so upsetting!) as if I wasn't just a normal, growing human, making mistakes and learning about the world. the fact that it was a *man* I was confessing to, waiting for his absolution and assignment of penance...it steepens the whole thing in fucked-upness lol. I admire the way you are untangling it all. I am trying, too. Some of it feels so lodged in me though, so difficult to break free from even when I logically know it is unhelpful and unhealthy for me. Thank you for this piece, which has helped me make sense of the process. It really does help to know other women are unlearning this all too while maintaining a sense of spirituality that feels more True to them. I appreciate your vulnerability--and I wish you so much luck on your psychic-seeking journey, haha <33

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allyson.'s avatar

lindsey this genuinely touched me on a level i didn't expect. i am so sorry that you can relate to this need of having to deconstruct and i have so much sympathy for how confusing it must all feel. i am so glad that this piece could help you make sense of the process and please know my dms are always open to you. i am cheering you on <33

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lindsey peters berg's avatar

i deeply appreciate this and my dms are ALWAYS open to you, too <3 thank you, allyson!!

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ella jade's avatar

i loved reading this!!!!!

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allyson.'s avatar

thank you so much for reading, ella!! i love YOU.

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ella jade's avatar

blushing!!!! i love yOU 💗💗💗💗

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allyson.'s avatar

you are so cutie patootie omg 😭😭😭

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mani's avatar

i continue to practice the religious rituals i was raised with even though i don’t consider myself religious anymore. there’s something so comforting about doing the things your family has done for generations and still breaking tradition, bringing in different beliefs, infusing the old with the new. it’s easiest to connect with these things when they can be moulded from what they were at 13 into what they are now. religious trauma is a tricky tricky thing and i wish you the best on your healing journey xx

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allyson.'s avatar

this is such a beautiful comment. thank you so much for reading and i hope you're always doing well x

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jem's avatar

much like you ive distanced myself from christianity, yet continue to find comfort in religious rituals and struggle to reconcile it with my current way of life. this resonated so deeply thank you for sharing ❤️❤️

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allyson.'s avatar

you are so welcome. i hope you find a way to progress with it. i'm rooting for you. <3

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⚘ಇ's avatar

i wish i could say more but you have such a way with words that leave me at a loss. you are a gift and thank you for sharing this piece, i will definitely be returning to this frequently.

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allyson.'s avatar

this is such a sweet comment. literally made my morning. you are an absolute star and feel free to return to this as many times as you need. i adore you <3

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nadav's avatar

I found out I had religious trauma far after the deeds had been done. It was probably one of the singular most devastating nights of my life and I've had a LOT of devastating nights. all that to say that I'm still working through it, I'm still gathering up what works and what doesn't and coming to accept that I feel comfort in places that sunk their teeth into me. I cannot stress how good this essay felt to read. Thank you for your words and your passion and kindness. If everyone was the person that they needed at 13 the world would be a much kinder place. <3

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allyson.'s avatar

finding out late is the worst part of the entire process because it's like why now??? but also you understand why now. it hurts my heart to think of you devastated but i'm glad you're finding a way to move through it. i'll always be glad that we met on this platform. you're incredible <3

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Rachel's avatar

even tho I'm not christian, I relate to some of this given 1) I grew up in an mixed faith household (my mom's side of the family is catholic) and 2) given how culturally christian the US is. I've also had many people try to proselytize me into varying sects 💀

i didn't exactly struggle with purity and my dad gave me a talk at like..... 9? where he said that heaven and hell aren't real, but I still was inundated with messaging that aligns with christianity. abstinence only education in school (and similar sentiments from my parents), being forced to undergo tutoring in elementary school so I could be part of the advanced classes and getting scolded if I got B's, the demonization of drugs/alcohol (altho tbh I think that one is kind of fair when it comes to teens since it's a lot easier to get addicted to substances when your brain is still developing), my parents definitely had some unease about gay people.... I'm sure there's more I could list but it's escaping me rn.

sending you a hug 🫂

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allyson.'s avatar

i could really use that hug right now, rachel, so know that i'm hugging you back tenfold. thank you so much for reading and i swear to god i will get back to you per your messages. work is kicking my ass a little <3

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Mila Ardila's avatar

thank you for sharing this xx it resonates so deeply to break free from a religion that made us grow up with a hand around our necks- thinking it was all fine and normal. Cheers xx

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allyson.'s avatar

thank you so much for reading. you're incredible. x

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