such beautiful writing as always. you really opened my eyes to how people view mothers in the sense that they will always make excuses for them, like “she tried her best” as you mentioned and how they are rarely talked about as opposed to people or characters with daddy issues.
this comment meants the world to me. to see someone read this and finally listen to what i'm saying with or without experiencing it is the entire point. you're just so wonderful, liv. i'm glad you're here. <3
I'm only halway thru the essay and writing thoughts as i read. this is going to be way too long SORRY
OH god even the way you open this is too real. I remember there was one class at uni that I took and it was some easy pass/fail class about managing stress (i needed 3 more credit hours in my schedule and I couldn't handle it being another math or science course bc my workload was already a lot) and I pretty vividly remember one of the assignments being an essay about our stressors and I talked about my mom and the resentments that had been festering for the past few years and then when the TA graded it I got some unhelpful comment like "that's tough, I hope you make up"..... which is a crazy response when I'm talking about how I don't forgive her for how she traumatized me.
and those screenshots from the reddit post. god it's too real. the craving physical intimacy while also not liking physical contact has only become stronger bc thanks to the pandemic and most people not taking precautions, I can't remember the last time I had physical contact with someone. I honestly think it might've been when I spent a long weekend with my ex in 2019 💀 (and that was like.... one hug and some handholding lol)
"Women, meanwhile, are left waiting—standing by until the damage becomes undeniable. As always, the world waits for the car crash before looking at the state of the road." God literally. LITERALLY!!!! on every topic we're labeled as overreacting or hysterical until things escalate to there being physical proof and then it's suddenly "why didn't you say anything before it got this bad" idr who said it but I rmbr an article (I think about the d*pp v heard trial) that said society wants us to be perfect victims and we're just supposed to endure all the abuse and indignities in silence and then people will pity us when it's too late and we're dead. misogyny has confined us to this box and we only get support when we stay in it. and sometimes not even then.
"I need the understanding that my mother was the angry man in our house, and I’m terrified of becoming the same." REAL!!!! I remember almost nothing of my life before my dad died, but I do vaguely remember there was so much fighting btwn my parents before he got sick. as in literally most of what I remember of my childhood before his illness was them fighting. that's not to say my dad didn't have issues - he had a temper too. and I remember he was the stricter parent, so I remember preferring my mom at that time. but I do remember the high school years with my mom and we would have screaming matches constantly, but I was always the one being out of line as if she wasn't part of it too 🙄 even as an adult, whenever we would get into an argument about societal issues (she thinks she's progressive but she's conservative) she would treat me like I'm too stupid and naive to understand anything about the world. and now she's surprised that I barely have anything to offer in our conversations. lol. lmao even.
and re the excerpts of your letter. you are not too hard to love. you are wonderful and deserving of a kinder love.
hope you have a good day and do something nice to decompress after writing this bc I'm sure it was emotionally taxing. love you 💗
this is such a cathartic comment to read. i think i would've crashed out if i'd gotten a comment like that on that assignment. i think it's so hard when overall your mother is good and loves you so much like mine does, but the bad is bad especially when there's a refusal to engage with things like mental health. i'm so proud of you for working so hard to change your own life and still be kind, rachel. you're amazing. <3
also wait I was literally thinking about Faran as I typed this up and somehow didn't talk about her 😭😭 if you haven't seen the PLL reboot, I think it might be somewhat cathartic and I think Faran especially will resonate with you. all six of the girls have mother wounds to some extent and the scene where Faran stands up to her mom about the damage she has caused her is one of my all time favorite scenes of anything. (also I feel like most of the time when ppl talk about good acting on the show they're talking about Bailee Madison - and she is amazing in it! - but omg Zaria was just constantly blowing me away. I need her career to thrive now that hbo max cancelled the show 😤)
this was amazing to read first thing in the morning. i dont have a turbulent relationship with my mother, but i do see how the expectation of motherhood has affected her. this was very interesting and i feel like you held back a bit because there is clearly so so much to talk about! not that this wasnt beautifully in depth but it really could be an entire book, looking at all the connections between mother-daughter relationships and societal aspects. this is all to say thankyou, youre a wonderful writer <3
jane, you are such a intentional person and i adore that about you. i definitely did hold back. i'm debating adding a section or just doing a part two, but i'm unsure. thank you so much for reading. you are so loved. <3
sorry this took me so long to get to but i'm glad i read it all at once instead of slowly in pieces. the beginning had such powerful imagery i almost felt like i was in the therapist's office with you. the tension you created was perfect, immaculate, so so good.
and then the lines "Motherhood has always been portrayed as the closest thing to heaven on earth." and "As always, the world waits for the car crash before looking at the state of the road." just such beautiful lines. (also was the hangers a mommie dearest reference?)
and i am thinking abt "I want someone to say, “I’m sorry that you went through that,” instead of “She tried her best.”" and i think sometimes i do this to myself because i'll say the response at myself and i think it's easier for me to excuse my mother because i understand her pain more than i understand my father's. and i think because i know how much harder it was for her (being a woman in a time period where it was harder to be a woman), i start to give her excuses. idk your words made me think a lot about my own experiences - your writing is always so profound and makes me think for ages. but also i definitely fall more under the "father issues" umbrella than "mother issues."
also, if you're looking for media about strained mother-daughter relationships, i know there's a lot of manhwa that go into it. there's "Sisters at War" by Maeng-gi Gi and "Like Mother Like Daughter" by Dam Lee that immediately came to mind. For films, there was "Umma" (which I also wrote an essay about) and just as I'm writing this list I'm realizing how much *less* there is.
this made me tear up slightly. i really wish i could give you a hug. you just always come off as such a graceful and sweet person and this is such a vulnerable and raw comment.
that was a mommie dearest reference!! and yes, i know the age old feeling of understanding your mother's pain and so you are reluctant to validate your own. i did it while closing out this essay. but that's the human experience: to understand that you are the way you are because of certain actions and two things can exist at once. you aren't being unfair simply becuase you're speaking about how something made you feel.
you saying my writing makes you think and is so profound is genuinely how i feel when i read anything of yours. you are so incredible. i will definitely look into these recs!! love you.
from the bottom of my heart and soullll!!!!! thank you. this was so comforting and heartbreaking at the same time. It's really true that the mother wound is my life. I feel like i could write a book about anything but when it comes to my mother it is so hard and complex i don't know how i'd be able to get it out. You're so amazing for this and i hope that women like ourselves can write our stories into the future. i love you so much and i'm holding your hand in solidarity. thank you for sharing this ❤️
such beautiful writing as always. you really opened my eyes to how people view mothers in the sense that they will always make excuses for them, like “she tried her best” as you mentioned and how they are rarely talked about as opposed to people or characters with daddy issues.
this comment meants the world to me. to see someone read this and finally listen to what i'm saying with or without experiencing it is the entire point. you're just so wonderful, liv. i'm glad you're here. <3
🤍🤍🤍
I'm only halway thru the essay and writing thoughts as i read. this is going to be way too long SORRY
OH god even the way you open this is too real. I remember there was one class at uni that I took and it was some easy pass/fail class about managing stress (i needed 3 more credit hours in my schedule and I couldn't handle it being another math or science course bc my workload was already a lot) and I pretty vividly remember one of the assignments being an essay about our stressors and I talked about my mom and the resentments that had been festering for the past few years and then when the TA graded it I got some unhelpful comment like "that's tough, I hope you make up"..... which is a crazy response when I'm talking about how I don't forgive her for how she traumatized me.
and those screenshots from the reddit post. god it's too real. the craving physical intimacy while also not liking physical contact has only become stronger bc thanks to the pandemic and most people not taking precautions, I can't remember the last time I had physical contact with someone. I honestly think it might've been when I spent a long weekend with my ex in 2019 💀 (and that was like.... one hug and some handholding lol)
"Women, meanwhile, are left waiting—standing by until the damage becomes undeniable. As always, the world waits for the car crash before looking at the state of the road." God literally. LITERALLY!!!! on every topic we're labeled as overreacting or hysterical until things escalate to there being physical proof and then it's suddenly "why didn't you say anything before it got this bad" idr who said it but I rmbr an article (I think about the d*pp v heard trial) that said society wants us to be perfect victims and we're just supposed to endure all the abuse and indignities in silence and then people will pity us when it's too late and we're dead. misogyny has confined us to this box and we only get support when we stay in it. and sometimes not even then.
"I need the understanding that my mother was the angry man in our house, and I’m terrified of becoming the same." REAL!!!! I remember almost nothing of my life before my dad died, but I do vaguely remember there was so much fighting btwn my parents before he got sick. as in literally most of what I remember of my childhood before his illness was them fighting. that's not to say my dad didn't have issues - he had a temper too. and I remember he was the stricter parent, so I remember preferring my mom at that time. but I do remember the high school years with my mom and we would have screaming matches constantly, but I was always the one being out of line as if she wasn't part of it too 🙄 even as an adult, whenever we would get into an argument about societal issues (she thinks she's progressive but she's conservative) she would treat me like I'm too stupid and naive to understand anything about the world. and now she's surprised that I barely have anything to offer in our conversations. lol. lmao even.
and re the excerpts of your letter. you are not too hard to love. you are wonderful and deserving of a kinder love.
hope you have a good day and do something nice to decompress after writing this bc I'm sure it was emotionally taxing. love you 💗
this is such a cathartic comment to read. i think i would've crashed out if i'd gotten a comment like that on that assignment. i think it's so hard when overall your mother is good and loves you so much like mine does, but the bad is bad especially when there's a refusal to engage with things like mental health. i'm so proud of you for working so hard to change your own life and still be kind, rachel. you're amazing. <3
also wait I was literally thinking about Faran as I typed this up and somehow didn't talk about her 😭😭 if you haven't seen the PLL reboot, I think it might be somewhat cathartic and I think Faran especially will resonate with you. all six of the girls have mother wounds to some extent and the scene where Faran stands up to her mom about the damage she has caused her is one of my all time favorite scenes of anything. (also I feel like most of the time when ppl talk about good acting on the show they're talking about Bailee Madison - and she is amazing in it! - but omg Zaria was just constantly blowing me away. I need her career to thrive now that hbo max cancelled the show 😤)
this was amazing to read first thing in the morning. i dont have a turbulent relationship with my mother, but i do see how the expectation of motherhood has affected her. this was very interesting and i feel like you held back a bit because there is clearly so so much to talk about! not that this wasnt beautifully in depth but it really could be an entire book, looking at all the connections between mother-daughter relationships and societal aspects. this is all to say thankyou, youre a wonderful writer <3
jane, you are such a intentional person and i adore that about you. i definitely did hold back. i'm debating adding a section or just doing a part two, but i'm unsure. thank you so much for reading. you are so loved. <3
if you added anything else i would be so grateful!! your writing is beautiful, ily 💗💗
you NEED and i mean NEED to watch Autumn Sonata
the way i opened up letterboxd so quickly. trust, you will be hearing from me. thank you so much for being here. <3
oh it's gonna disembowel you
oh it's gonna disembowel you
oh it's gonna disembowel you
thank yoh substack for posting this 3 times 🫶🫶
thank you so much for this. this is the type of writing I’ve been waiting to see on this app.
this comment is insane in the best way possible. i'm so glad you enjoyed it, ava <33
sorry this took me so long to get to but i'm glad i read it all at once instead of slowly in pieces. the beginning had such powerful imagery i almost felt like i was in the therapist's office with you. the tension you created was perfect, immaculate, so so good.
and then the lines "Motherhood has always been portrayed as the closest thing to heaven on earth." and "As always, the world waits for the car crash before looking at the state of the road." just such beautiful lines. (also was the hangers a mommie dearest reference?)
and i am thinking abt "I want someone to say, “I’m sorry that you went through that,” instead of “She tried her best.”" and i think sometimes i do this to myself because i'll say the response at myself and i think it's easier for me to excuse my mother because i understand her pain more than i understand my father's. and i think because i know how much harder it was for her (being a woman in a time period where it was harder to be a woman), i start to give her excuses. idk your words made me think a lot about my own experiences - your writing is always so profound and makes me think for ages. but also i definitely fall more under the "father issues" umbrella than "mother issues."
also, if you're looking for media about strained mother-daughter relationships, i know there's a lot of manhwa that go into it. there's "Sisters at War" by Maeng-gi Gi and "Like Mother Like Daughter" by Dam Lee that immediately came to mind. For films, there was "Umma" (which I also wrote an essay about) and just as I'm writing this list I'm realizing how much *less* there is.
this made me tear up slightly. i really wish i could give you a hug. you just always come off as such a graceful and sweet person and this is such a vulnerable and raw comment.
that was a mommie dearest reference!! and yes, i know the age old feeling of understanding your mother's pain and so you are reluctant to validate your own. i did it while closing out this essay. but that's the human experience: to understand that you are the way you are because of certain actions and two things can exist at once. you aren't being unfair simply becuase you're speaking about how something made you feel.
you saying my writing makes you think and is so profound is genuinely how i feel when i read anything of yours. you are so incredible. i will definitely look into these recs!! love you.
from the bottom of my heart and soullll!!!!! thank you. this was so comforting and heartbreaking at the same time. It's really true that the mother wound is my life. I feel like i could write a book about anything but when it comes to my mother it is so hard and complex i don't know how i'd be able to get it out. You're so amazing for this and i hope that women like ourselves can write our stories into the future. i love you so much and i'm holding your hand in solidarity. thank you for sharing this ❤️
i adore this comment and i am so glad you're here. i love you so much. people like you are exactly why i wrote this. you're amazing <33
Wtf another ha vay fan??? Bruh pretty baby changed my LIFE!!!
i found her by accident and never looked back! thank you for reading! <3