pink iphone 13.

a stream of consciousness and how much i fucking hate the modern dating experience.

bella hadid backstage at ysl.

he wouldn’t fucking do this to you if he loved you.

i miss when people cared. i miss being almost incapacitated by a crush. i miss the nerves. i don’t care if it’s childish. i’m tired of everyone’s fucking dating advice and podcasts that mean nothing because you all hate the people you’re with but not more than the way you hate being alone.

i’m tired of people conflating passion with pain and suffering. i miss good dates and i hate talking stages. everything hits me like a train but everyone else isn’t moving.

fuck nonchalance.

fragantica.

i went to chess camp in upstate new york and hated it; i knew then that i would always hate calculating anything. i miss when things weren’t a performance. i wish it was easier to meet people organically, to turn to them and say let’s go and then you go.

a girl next to me on the train smelled like heaven and i wanted to maul her. these days i feel like an animal.

everyone in my office gets botox and they’re under 30 and i feel gaslit about how i look. omg what’s bella hadid gotten done?? she looks 16!!

she’s just fucking happy.

i’m writing about love because i feel like i’m under pressure. the universe is sending me what i want but i keep pushing it away i don’t know what’s wrong. i’m gonna try again.

scorpio season is rising and i feel myself coming back. sagittarius comes after and my heart is rolling.

someone said a true yearner knows that getting what you want is never what you need is not a part of the plan.

someone said skinny tastes so good but i can think of so many other things. lemon, chocolate, salt, the way someone was curious about how my lipgloss tasted (they wanna kiss you) the way you kept buying it after (they want to kiss you).

saw a tweet like i love when hot people marry each other but i think you’re hot only if you actually love each other.

i miss when there was less effort just the heat in your stomach. i miss when people had sex with people who loved them but maybe that’s never been a thing. i’m stuck on the naked body and the way it looks. i think everyone is beautiful.

sometimes i think i’m stupid for wanting what i want but i still want it and i never regret it.

my heart is rolling like a ball and i’m a dog chasing after it.

tumblr.

thinking about the plane ride where a boy’s leg pressed up against mine and it kept me grounded and he never moved not once and it annoyed me he annoyed me but then i loved him for it later.

i miss being connected. god, i want to feel a pulse. close and uncomfortable. but least of unlovable.

tumblr.

my twin flame is in arizona and we don’t have the money to see each other but i see her in everything all the time.

i miss being clumsy and laughing while climbing over each other. i keep my virginity cupped inside me because i know the rules and i never lose (i’m scared). i miss leaving a party and feeling cold while i wait for my uber even though i’m bundled in fur.

i miss wearing old shit in someone else’s bed. i want the world against me; i want to be left alone (i’m scared). i’ll never upgrade my phone until it breaks; even then nothing above the pink iphone 13.

i wrote this in lowercase then again in uppercase then went back to how it was because that’s just not me.

this sounds sad but i’m happy; i’m glad i got it out.