touch id.
another stream of consciousness and how much hunger fucks with me.
i wish my family loved me less and understood me more.
my dad says that i think too much about losing him. no one understands how it can hurt to carry myself sometimes.
today my chest got tight and i had to breathe in our corporate bathroom. i think of my australian online pilates instructor who never says my name but tells me i’ve done a beautiful job.
i want to be in the water. i want to be in the zone. i want to know i’ve worked it out all my own.
reception knows me by name but it’s not the same because last year i got so close to reception at my last complex that when i left they gave me a hug.
my lips are glossed with a vanilla shine that’s supposed to heal. my suitcase is looming in the corner ‘cause i need to pack. i always start early because i have to plan. i feel late for everything these days and when i try to explain people keep telling me to wait.
they love me but that won’t save me. i miss driving.
the internet is telling me i’m not bisexual i’m secretly straight i’m secretly gay. but loving someone is always a secret too good to keep. that’s how i ruin it.
i’m spoiled if i’m ever with a man. lost my lustre. losing my gold star. i turn my phone off.
i’m gonna be myself forever and it’s starting to be enough for me.
today at work we chatted about hormone pellet treatments. under the skin. felt parasitic but i sold it as the future.
i want to dye my hair pink and blonde. mermaid feeling. soft pink hard pink bright pink but i don’t want to damage it. i want a lot of things but i don’t want to damage myself.
recently read something that said “you’re not as difficult to love as you make yourself out to be.”
real shit. gold star.
saw a girl online film herself eating chicken from the bone on her knees and she said this is as close as the eye gets to how luteal feels. hard agree. my flight haunts me as it approaches. fall for me. come home to me. i’m trying.
my family had a fight last night and i wish i wasn’t so easily affected. things are constantly tearing me apart. opening myself up how can i keep doing it? but it’s like what does shutting down get me?
every therapy session is about vulnerability offline because i guard myself like a dog.
i’ll be good in 10 days. i remember all the times i rebuilt myself in the light and in the dark. “this is all good.” my boss said and i felt pride.
i keep all the girls i fuck with close to my chest like a deck of cards. i open up the vault to remind myself of love. over and over again i’m learning the lesson.
i’m tired of things being lessons. being a scholar always burned me out. but it’s my desire to know versus my desire to trust.
i deleted my wedding board from pinterest post elect because fuck men. remembered i love women and saved it again.
this is another one that reads as sad but isn’t.
i’m tired of being sad and hungry so i woke up and was not. am not. i heard the city wake then saw the cars move and told myself let’s go.
just this morning i slid slices of cold perfect avocado down my throat. beautiful job.
"recently read something that said 'you’re not as difficult to love as you make yourself out to be.' " and never forget that!!!!! I know it's hard to fight the negativity in your head, but just trust that the people you care about are genuine with you 🫶 (also this is why I sometimes screenshot ppl's compliments so I have something to remind me when the depression is Bad™️)
Can't tell you how much I needed to read this. Have my emotions expressed and to know I'm not alone in how I feel